People have tinkered with communications for millennia. "Breakthrough" might seem a little presumptuous, but stay with me here. Imagine what could happen if we just remedied a few common defects in it.
After several decades consulting to schools and working as a psychologist, I had opened a small school in my home for 8-10th grade boys expelled from the local system for misbehavior. All had poor communication habits. As winter approached, friends invited me to a Sunday evening gathering at their home. A dozen in such a setting often divide into small clusters, but this time everyone participated as a single group. During the evening, the thought struck me, "This is a perfect conversation!" Later I identified five behaviors that occurred throughout the evening:
Look at the speaker
Leave a brief silence after they speak
Ask questions
Connect with others' ideas
Include everyone
That week, snow fell overnight and the next morning the boys went out for recess in the yard around my house. A snowball fight developed, but I noticed out the window that some weren't enjoying it. When they all came in, a few were crying, protesting that others had "ganged up" on them and their feelings were hurt. I wrote the five points on a poster, and asked everyone to take twenty minutes to follow them and discuss what had happened.
They listened respectfully to each other. Some expressed their unhappy feelings, others apologized, everyone shared their views, and in twenty minutes they resolved their differences, restored good feelings, and even devised rules for future snowball fights. Simple guidelines generated their 180-degree turnaround with no help from me.
Since then, I've applied the model in many settings. With adult groups, I found a sixth rule needed: Use short messages instead of long speeches. Ideal group size seems around 4-6 but the same effects occur with larger numbers as happened that Sunday, though each has less talking time. Participants need no prior skill development and easily cooperate. They quickly feel connected and included, apply the changes later to their personal conversations, and important for society, they work out differences. Each guideline has a distinct impact we could sum up as "Stop doing what blocks communication and do what helps:"
Look at the speaker. Eye contact is a standard sign of valuing another: "You matter enough for me to give you my attention." Recall the effect when we express a point and others look away, or we say one sentence and they stare at the floor and shake their head. Their behavior tells us that they don't want to listen to us.
Leave a brief silence after they speak. When we say something and another responds instantly or interrupts, they cut off group consideration of our point, and usually return to their own thoughts instead of connecting to ours. A brief silence also welcomes anyone speaking, helping to equalize talking time.
Use short messages instead of long speeches. This marks the difference between 8-10th graders and adults. The former typically say their point and stop talking, while adults may string together several ideas they've wanted to unload. With a short message we're more likely to connect with the previous point.
Ask questions. With questions we express our interest in another. Inquiring about a point arousing our curiosity, we show respect for their ideas and include them in the group. If no one asks them a question, draws out their thinking, or welcomes their views, they can feel discounted and marginalized; their need for connection unmet and their feelings ignored.
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