A man walks high onto the hill,
High on the ridge
To be alone up there
Where the wild deer anticipate his arrival
And spring away but turn
At the edge of the forest to watch him
Crossing the high meadow . . .
The man is carrying something
Too heavy for the valley to comprehend,
Something that keeps his head down
And his eyes on the path . . .
The time is right
For him to be up there,
Trust me (trust this telling),
It is right,
(If you want proof,
Then consider those rooks
Perched on the bare bones of the hill
Just like the deer, watching
Without comment, to see what he will do)
And what he does is this:
He stops, and sheds his backpack,
He turns to the four directions murmuring
Inaudible words
That carry nowhere in the stillness of the raw moment,
There being no wind, no movement
In that lonely place.
And then his body seems to spasm,
His head bobbing, his whole upper torso sinking lower
Until he falls to his knees,
And such a keening arises from that man
That the hill hasn't heard
Since the days when . . .
Never mind when. . .but
People used to climb to high-up lonely places
With only the wild to witness
And open wide their heart
Which otherwise would burst and flood the valley,
But way up here
Where the valley isn't even visible
The hill softens. It really does.
And sometimes the wind begins to stir
And sometimes a rook will creak or croak
In sympathy, but that would be a young one,
But for the most part there is a great suspension . . .
And then the man himself grows still
But no longer crouching, but straightening his back,
Hands resting on his thighs,
He seems to enlarge a little
And then, slowly, he rises
And as he rises he seems to inflate, growing
Almost doubling in stature
From when he was crouching and weeping . . .
And from his chest, from his mouth
Such a sound explodes
That it doesn't sound human.
Part howl, part roar, part battle cry, agony,
Summons, warning, curse, proclamation,
And let us not dismiss the echo,
And more than one,
But who is counting?
But I'm here to tell you
That people use to do this. I know this,
Because I was that man,
And it felt like I had rediscovered something in me
That I just assumed had died.
When I walked back down to the valley,
The communal dinner was just ending
But some stayed at the table
Wanting to know where I had been,
And I told them.
..............
It took me six years to be able to write this poem about an experience I had in Glendalough, Ireland. where Saint Kevin presided in seclusion (7th century), by his own account, "fighting knights", that is to say, his inner demons. After Kevin's death, Glendalough became a destination for pilgrims through the ages. . . i.e., those fighting their own "knights".
One interesting aside: it was a big dream I had right before my heading for the Peruvian rainforest to work with ayahuasca, that psychically cleared the deck for my being able to embark on that journey. In that dream I identified with a knight who symbolically beheaded several knights before challenging them to a jousting tournament in which he was triumphant. This was a very auspicious dream that came from a deep place in my psyche, it being the only time in my 74 years that I dreamed about knights. It seemed to charge me up with the sense that my hopes for healing would be favored.
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