Striding masterfully through St. George's Hall of the Grand Kremlin Palace, Vlad the Conqueror turned his thoughts once again to his place in the pantheon of History's Immortals.
"Victory follows victory for my splendid military forces," he assured himself. "I have halted the offensive of the Ukrainian bandits and demonstrated to the world that a great nation commanded by a great leader! is unstoppable."
"Of course," he noted bitterly, "our national enemies will point to the fact that our military forces are far larger and better armed than those of the treacherous Ukrainians. But what these subversives won't tell you is that our forces should be. After all, they are fighting for Holy Mother Russia and the restoration of its glorious empire. What could be a worthier cause? Certainly not that of our depraved neighbors, the Ukrainian Untermenschen!"
Stopping briefly, he smiled lovingly at himself in one of the palace's jewel-encrusted mirrors.
"But just when my superior leadership should be acclaimed around the world," Vlad brooded, "it has been eclipsed by this Israeli leader, Benjamin Netanyahu. Has this Netanyahu this zhid leader of a second-rate, little country slaughtered as many people as I have? Conquered as much territory? Successfully wiped out that small Palestinian terrorist group in their tiny strip of land? No!"
"Now, admittedly," Vlad remarked, "he's trying. Also, given the rightwing values that we share, we've always gotten along just fine. Still, when it comes to foreign conquest, Netanyahu is a big nothing at least compared to me! Why does he get all the glory?" Vlad paused for a moment to ponder this paradox.
"My good friend, Kim Jong Un, is also steaming about all the attention Netanyahu is getting. Kim may lead a tiny country," Vlad observed, "but he really knows how to keep dissidents in line at home and garner public attention abroad. If the poor guy only led a great nation like Russia, he might have a chance. But, you know, life is sometimes unfair."
Having arrived at one of his favorite intricately-carved gold mirrors, Vlad stopped once more to admire himself.
"By contrast," he continued," my friend Donald Trump has had every opportunity for greatness. He was born the son of a multimillionaire, acquired billions through crooked business dealings, and slipped into the U.S. presidency after being substantially outpolled by that $**^%^%* woman, Hillary Clinton. And then, when Trump had the power, he proved too incompetent to use it. What a pathetic insurrection! You can bet that Kim and I wouldn't have blown it!"
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